Ahhh...humor. My favorite!

• Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by with what's left!
• "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
• He who laughs last thinks slowest!
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• Give me ambiguity! Or give me something else!
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
• I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
• Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
• I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
• Assassins do it from behind.
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
• Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
• I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
• Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
• Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
• Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. (YES!!!)
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.